Between 2007 and 2009, between the age of 16 and 18, my religious views have been ambiguous. While the prayers really didn't make sense to me for obvious reasons that they weren't answered, I somehow clinged on to somewhat religious lifestyle. It was perhaps cause of my religious mother who would constantly pester me to pray, however, that wasn't always the case. Prayers made me feel comfortable. The fact that a greater being, God, was watching over me, protecting me, looking after my well being and giving me what I wanted was (though my prayers/wishes were seldom fulfilled) a comfort! And when my prayers weren't answered it was cause God knew what's best for me - how very convenient!
Then there were those times full of doubt as to why I was praying to God. And if I was praying, why was Mohammed being praised in the prayers always popped in my head. My religious beliefs were like a Frisbee, being between a Muslim and an agnostic. What made me furious was lack of tolerance most religions showed towards homosexuals, especially Islam. Being homosexual myself, it was infuriating to see how Muslims would cast scathing comments for gays and when asked why were there gays, they would promptly answer that's its a test from God and that they must abstain and lead a straight life. That's a bummer by the way. Why would a gay guy ruin the life of a girl he marries just cause his religion instructs him to (But then again religion is meant to be followed blindly!). Why would a loving God test his creations for entire life? Ans when a gay man follows his instincts, it become punishable by death! Such barbaric God wasn't the one I wanted to believe in.
By 2008, I had come to understand that religion and God was merely a psychological phenomenon. We only believe in a greater being because we are comforted by the fact that there is a being watching over us. And that if we follow the orders we will be rewarded a life in a better place then we are in this world and that life would be of eternal bliss in heaven. And not following God's orders would land you in a place of eternal despair and suffering called hell. One of my friends says that religions were only created in times of anarchy to somewhat check the behaviour of people in those times, make them somewhat civilized by inflicting a fear of god and that we don't need religions in these times, mainly because they are out dated and barbaric.
At my school there was a staunch atheist who would debate dogma with my school mates(quite a feat in Pakistan and I'm glad my school was secular). His talks were inspirational - he would bash religion with science and no Muslim from my school could ever win a debate with him. It was then that I realised that sciences offer a much better explanation for life. I didn't have to follow centuries old scriptures which would preach inequality and suggest barbaric punishments for people who would defy. It was then that I tossed away the Frisbee and embraced a godless self!
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Frisbee
Monday, 28 May 2012
WHOOPS I'M CAUGHT!!!!
This post is a recollection of time when I was about 16. I'm 21 now as I write this post out (you guys would/should know).
Well at age of 16 I was fully aware of my sexuality and absolutely comfortable with it. There are many people I'm aware of who cannot come to terms with their sexuality. I was lucky to have been in a school which had broad minded people and had helped me be myself. During those days I would watch porn daily and wank off. I knew how to delete browsing history and how to clear cookies. I didn't know there was something called temporary data and cache storage. One day, following my usual routine I cleared the browsing history and cookies and gave the PC to my brother who wanted to use it. I turns out he went through the browser's temporary data and found the clip of gay porn that I had watched earlier.
Hell broke lose after that. Apparently that was the second time my brother had found gay porn in my PC . He called me all sorts of filth like shame to family, faggot, gando, whore,etc. He also told me if he were to tell the police about me then they would kill me according to my country's law. This was just because I had chosen to be myself. Was it too selfish to be what I was born to be? It had been a tremendous blow to my individuality. He had also told my mother about it. My mother reacted similarly. She said she'll kill me herself if she ever found me with another man. It made me feel like shit. This was certainly not the way i had imagined to come out to my family and certainly not the reaction I had hoped for.
For months I had prayed to God to make me straight. Those prayers were obviously never answered. I could with my shy and shameful existence, all because my religion had forbidden gays. Also during those days whenever I would make loud prayers about anything, my brother would give me a terrible look of disgust and say that God does not listen to gays.
Really? All my life I had believed God had created me, loved me as I was and answer my prayers. Now I was told that God hates gays, people such as myself. I mean why create gays when you would make them so abhor-able? It simply didn't make sense.
I never trusted God in the same way. With time, I absolutely dissociated myself from God.
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Cyber sex and its mishaps
Oh well back to the topic, I have video chatted with a few people who were from Karachi and could have been prospective dates but I usually freaked out when it came to meeting them. Well that was the case UNTIL one fine day I started talking to this chap and grew fond of him. He was in Dubai and had planned on visiting Karachi. Last week he landed and we met immediately and made out and had a bj. We met whole of last week and we dined out, talked, drove around city and made out. Making out was absolutely out of this world. It was bloody fireworks, for me at least. I think I'm in love with this guy and that's where the problem is.
I can't get my mind off him. Now that he's going back, its going to be a not tough on my silly heart. Also he never felt the same way as I did, and I am nothing more then a friend with benefits for him. However, I was expecting this relationship to be something more fruitful. I deluded. And its all my fault for the way I'm feeling right now. And I blame cyber sex for this mishap :p. Just kidding! If I had taken him for friend with benefits so I wouldn't have been feeling awful and writing this post. Lol
I have been listening to Lana Del Ray's Blue Jean ever since.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
The day before my 21st
It's the last day I shall spend as a 20 year old. I thought it was high time I started blogging about the events in my life as a gay individual in deeply conservative and bigoted society, mainly because I need a venue to vent and be myself.
One of the many setbacks I have had as a gay individual has been my ability to communicate and open up. I don't easily open up, I can't make friends easily, And even if I do make friends (among straight lot), its difficult for me to keep in touch with them because I'm too concerned about how they would or do feel about me. And whether they value my friendship as much as I value theirs.
My O and A levels had been the best part of my life. It was then that I made awesome friends, though handful, whom I love more then anything. I really didn't care about my gayness or how my love life sucked when I had them around. My life's been a mess after my A levels. My mates got into different universities and have been out of touch.
I have also tried finding a lover/bf, though have been out of luck.
I guess this should suffice for my first post here in the virtual world. Pardon my noob writing skills, in my defence, I just didn't know what to write in my post! :p