WHOOPS I'M CAUGHT!!!!

This post is a recollection of time when I was about 16. I'm 21 now as I write this post out (you guys would/should know).

Well at age of 16 I was fully aware of my sexuality and absolutely comfortable with it. There are many people I'm aware of who cannot come to terms with their sexuality. I was lucky to have been in a school which had broad minded people and had helped me be myself.  During those days I would watch porn daily and wank off. I knew how to delete browsing history and how to clear cookies. I didn't know there was something called temporary data and cache storage. One day, following my usual routine I cleared the browsing history and cookies and gave the PC to my brother who wanted to use it. I turns out he went through the browser's temporary data and found the clip of gay porn that I had watched earlier.

Hell broke lose after that. Apparently that was the second time my brother had found gay porn in my PC . He called me all sorts of filth like shame to family, faggot, gando, whore,etc. He also told me if he were to tell the police about me then they would kill me according to my country's law. This was just because I had chosen to be myself. Was it too selfish to be what I was born to be? It had been a tremendous blow to my individuality. He had also told my mother about it. My mother reacted similarly. She said she'll kill me herself if she ever found me with another man. It made me feel like shit. This was certainly not the way i had imagined to come out to my family and certainly not the reaction I had hoped for.

For months I had prayed to God to make me straight. Those prayers were obviously never answered. I could with my shy and shameful existence, all because my religion had forbidden gays. Also during those days whenever I would make loud prayers about anything, my brother would give me a terrible look of disgust and say that God does not listen to gays.

Really? All my life I had believed God had created me, loved me as I was and answer my prayers. Now I was told that God hates gays, people such as myself. I mean why create gays when you would make them so abhor-able? It simply didn't make sense.

I never trusted God in the same way. With time, I absolutely dissociated myself from God.

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