WHOOPS I'M CAUGHT!!!!

This post is a recollection of time when I was about 16. I'm 21 now as I write this post out (you guys would/should know).

Well at age of 16 I was fully aware of my sexuality and absolutely comfortable with it. There are many people I'm aware of who cannot come to terms with their sexuality. I was lucky to have been in a school which had broad minded people and had helped me be myself.  During those days I would watch porn daily and wank off. I knew how to delete browsing history and how to clear cookies. I didn't know there was something called temporary data and cache storage. One day, following my usual routine I cleared the browsing history and cookies and gave the PC to my brother who wanted to use it. I turns out he went through the browser's temporary data and found the clip of gay porn that I had watched earlier.

Hell broke lose after that. Apparently that was the second time my brother had found gay porn in my PC . He called me all sorts of filth like shame to family, faggot, gando, whore,etc. He also told me if he were to tell the police about me then they would kill me according to my country's law. This was just because I had chosen to be myself. Was it too selfish to be what I was born to be? It had been a tremendous blow to my individuality. He had also told my mother about it. My mother reacted similarly. She said she'll kill me herself if she ever found me with another man. It made me feel like shit. This was certainly not the way i had imagined to come out to my family and certainly not the reaction I had hoped for.

For months I had prayed to God to make me straight. Those prayers were obviously never answered. I could with my shy and shameful existence, all because my religion had forbidden gays. Also during those days whenever I would make loud prayers about anything, my brother would give me a terrible look of disgust and say that God does not listen to gays.

Really? All my life I had believed God had created me, loved me as I was and answer my prayers. Now I was told that God hates gays, people such as myself. I mean why create gays when you would make them so abhor-able? It simply didn't make sense.

I never trusted God in the same way. With time, I absolutely dissociated myself from God.

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Cyber sex and its mishaps

Well I'm particularly fond of cyber sex. While many people will find it disgusting and sick, however, in absence of real people to make love to/be romantic with, I consider wanking with someone else in some other part of world a viable option plus I like the ethnic diversity it brings :p. Cyber sex is also quite dangerous cause you never know who might be recording you and you'll end up on xtube. Its quote scary, so all you cyber wankers, if you do not wish be landed on xtube then you better take caution with whom you are doing stuff.

Oh well back to the topic, I have video chatted with a few people who were from Karachi and could have been prospective dates but I usually freaked out when it came to meeting them. Well that was the case UNTIL one fine day I started talking to this chap and grew fond of him. He was in Dubai and had planned on visiting Karachi. Last week he landed and we met immediately and made out and had a bj. We met whole of last week and we dined out, talked, drove around city and made out. Making out was absolutely out of this world. It was bloody fireworks, for me at least. I think I'm in love with this guy and that's where the problem is.

I can't get my mind off him. Now that he's going back, its going to be a not tough on my silly heart. Also he never felt the same way as I did, and I am nothing more then a friend with benefits for him. However, I was expecting this relationship to be something more fruitful. I deluded. And its all my fault for the way I'm feeling right now. And I blame cyber sex for this mishap :p. Just kidding! If I had taken him for friend with benefits so I wouldn't have been feeling awful and writing this post. Lol

I have been listening to Lana Del Ray's Blue Jean ever since.